#TBT Happy Halloween Edition

UPDATED October 2020 > I know I wrote a blog post a couple months ago about holidays (original post written in 2015) and how I have a hard time with a lot of them, but I have had a lot of epic and fun Halloweens! I was really bitter about it for a couple years since I didn't have kids to enjoy it with and I did have one really depressing appointment at my fertility clinic on Halloween day in 2013. However, I LOVED Halloween last year - I made one of my favorite costumes so far (Ursula from The Little Mermaid, in which I even won one of the costume awards at work!) and had a fun night out with friends. This year is kind of blah since I am unemployed, so I couldn't spend money to make a costume and I didn't get to enjoy the usual office celebrations. Plus two of my friends that I would normally get into the spirit with are out of town. BUT at least I am not bitter about it anymore! This year I am celebrating by just reminiscing about all the fun Halloweens I have had, and watching the movie Halloween like I do EVERY YEAR.

As a child, I loved the pumpkin carving (although I do remember slicing my hand with one of those "kid friendly" orange serrated carvers when I was about 7 or 8 years old). 

I am pretty sure I made almost all of my costumes as a kid and an adult. Here are some I remember:

1980? - devil. Leotard, tights, and construction paper FTW. Marissa was a cute little bumblebee.

My sister Marissa as a bumblebee
& me as a devil

1982 or 1983 (2nd or 3rd grade) - A book. My dad ran a corrugated box company and he made it for me, and then I decorated "the cover." It even had a spine and cardboard "pages" and holes to put my arms through. The one problem was that it went past my knees so once I had it on, I couldn't sit down. I remember I had to stand through the whole outside Halloween assembly at school.

I look like a cardboard box (also accurate) but I was going for a book.

1983 or 1984 (3rd or 4th grade?) - A Cabbage Patch Kid. My friend Rachel and I got outfits to match our own Cabbage Patch kids and made wigs out of yarn. I remember mine was a light gray & pink sweatsuit and my CPK had short curly yellow hair. I bought some kind of yellow cloth shower cap and glued yard curls all over it. I hope Rachel or her mom has a photo somewhere!

1988 (7th grade) - A black cat. We had an epic party in our backyard for a lot of our junior high friends with awesome decorations, games and dancing. I remember my mom drove all around town trying to find a record with Monster Mash on it (and she did find it).

Rachel (same Rach I was a Cabbage Patch Kid with!) & I

1993 (12th grade) - I think this one I just wore a cute low cut tuxedo type shirt with a bat bow tie. I went to the annual Scarabs (high school sorority) dance without my parents knowing and spent the night at my friend's house whose parents were out of town.

1994 (freshman in college in Miami) - I can't remember what I dressed as, but we went out in Coconut Grove. My friend Stacey and I danced all night with two guys in enormous Beevis & Butthead paper mache heads. (Stacey - or was that sophomore year?)

1995 (sophomore in college in Miami) - Hester Prynne from The Scarlet Letter. It was right when the movie came out and I remember being annoyed that everyone thought I was dressed as Demi Moore instead of Hester Prynne:

1995: Stacey/Disco Vampire Queen, Caite/Angel, Me/Hester Prynne

1996 (junior in college) - Alice in Wonderland. My friend Caite & I hopped in her VW vanagon and drove from Miami to Atlanta and I sewed an awesome apron with lace and mushroom patches for my costume. Caite was The Mad Hatter. My sister was in school at Emory University so we crashed with her a few nights. We really wanted to go to the legendary Halloween Phish concert (from Wikipedia: Musical costume is a term for the band Phish's elaborate Halloween concerts that involved the band performing an entire album by another artist). We didn't have tickets though and they were really hard to get, so we went to try to buy them from a scalper. Some a-hole tried to sell us counterfeit tickets and thankfully I had seen real ones and knew they were fake. We never got into the show, but the parking lot was some great people watching for a while! Then we went back to my sister's apartment and went with her and her friends to a frat party. I am pretty sure I have an entire scrap book from this trip in my mom's garage that I need to find!

1997 or 1998? - Queen of Hearts - part of a group Alice in Wonderland costume. I really loved Alice in Wonderland. I bought fabric with playing cards all over it and sewed myself a skirt. We went to a party at Caite's house. She was the Mad Hatter again, but a made a different costume than 1996.

Alice in Wonderland crew. Me: Queen of Hearts

1999? - A ladybug. I am pretty sure this was a last minute costume and outing, but I made the wings out of red poster board.

Caite's Jersey Girl still makes me crack up!
Me/Ladybug, Tara/Cat

2000/01/02??? A devil. My friend Krista & I went to an N Sync concert, but I can't find any Halloween concerts on their list on Wikipedia. I am pretty sure we were the only ones there in our late 20s that didn't have kids with them. She was Britney from the Baby One More Time video. We had a blast!

Krista & I

2008 - Sarah Palin - this is probably one of my favorite costumes. I had a Mrs. Maverick sash, a stuffed moose and polar bear and some binoculars with a sign that said "I see Russia."

2008: Me as Sarah Palin! This is NOT an endorsement.

2009 - looks like I got a little lazy this year!

2010 - a witch. Someone gave me an Ed Hardy shirt with skulls on it  - It's kind of a cool shirt for Halloween, but I really would have no other occasion to wear it, so I added a hat. I went out with some friends in downtown San Diego. Then a guy that lived in my apartment building randomly invited us to his party. It was A TRIP. Some chick was dressed as a unicorn and going in the bathroom every 10 minutes and I am pretty sure she was doing blow, so we started calling her Unicoke. In probably related news, the guy whose party it was told us later that someone pooped in his shower during the party. I never hung out with that dude again.

Jessica Purrrrr, Me

Renee, Summer, Me in the weird lobby of the apartment
building where Jessica, Andy & I lived on 525 C Street!

2011 - Katniss from The Hunger Games. I wore the mockingjay pin I got at Comic-Con!

2012 - a butterfly. I got the wings at the zoo and found a matching mask at the costume store.

2013 - Snapchat. This was the Halloween that I wasn't into at all, but my awesome friends made me a Snapchat shirt and the rest of my department at work were all different apps.

Appy Halloween!

2014 - Ursula from The Little Mermaid. I had so much fun making this costume, especially my awesome Flotsam & Jetsam eel scarf.

2015 - I did get up and go to a class at The Dailey Method this morning and wore my butterfly costume from 2012. These days I am at the barre at 8:15am instead of the bar at 8:15pm!

UPDATE: I totes rallied and Andy & I went over to Andy2's apartment. We people watched in the lobby as everyone was going out in East Village.

I recycled the butterfly... Andy2 had multiple costumes throughout the night, but I think this one I called "gay angel at a 70s luau."

2016 - This year's theme was paying homage to my favorite show, Stranger Things! For my Eleven look I got a pink dress from ModCloth, a vintage Members Only jacket from ebay, and some skater socks (of course I have my own Converse already). And yes, I was the only person who dressed up in my office but I gave 011 f***s. I also got some Eggos and threw a party at our place, complete with a homemade alphabet sheet - on a scale of 1 to 10, party like an Eleven.

Still one of our fave pics of Rob Zombie

 

2017 - You've been Trolled… by Poppy! I think this was one of the most fun costumes to make myself, with a lot of felt, glue, & tulle, plus I got to wear my hot pink rainboots. We also celebrated one of my bestie's birthdays which made the night even more fun. Even Andy got into the spirit (though the mohawk is his every day look).

I love hot pink & Poppy!

Punk Rock Poppy

2018 - I went for a current event theme, and I was Banksy's shredded painting. I already had the inflatable frame (I know…?) and then printed out and painted the "Girl with Balloon" on a poster board and cut it out, then used the paintbrushes in my hair buns. People LOVED this costume!

2018 - Oh, I also tried to dress up the doggies: 

2019 - I made a Halloween themed charcuterie board for Andy's office party! Clover & Churro joined in on the Halloween fun. Then I got dressed up as Rainbow Brite (another homemade costume that I worked on for a few weeks)! I went out partying in Gaslamp at Moonshine Flats with friends - all was well until I lost my phone, and a car ran over it, but then someone found it and called a friend so we were able to go retrieve it. Good times!

2020 - you can suck it!

Holidays, Birthdays, Milestones. Oh, and I LOVE FIREWORKS.

I am about 6 months out from my 40th birthday. I do love birthdays and tend to get stuck (sometimes good, sometimes bad) on dates, holidays, and milestones. I have a hard time with a lot of holidays because I feel that they are so kid focused, and not having kids has been a point of depression for me in the past few years. I even feel like I had a somewhat silly adult holiday ruined for me since we got pretty life-changing bad news last year on St. Patrick's Day 2014.

Surprisingly, I have made a lot of life changes in my 39th year – at this point sometimes you think you are just set in your ways and it takes a lot of energy to change your routine, but I have made a huge effort in the last few months to focus on myself. There have been a few downs, but I must say that July was an awesome month.

In really low times, Andy & I have skipped a few big holidays altogether. But, I realized that I LOVE THE 4th of JULY!!! This is not one of those times to get all political and activist – I know we have a lot of issues and things going on, but I really do feel lucky to be an American. Last year we were able to go to Washington DC for the 4th of July 2014, and it was an amazing vacation.

Besides enjoying the sights and some touristy things, I reconnected with family I hadn't seen in decades and attended a wedding for my cousin and his partner. We got to spend time with my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew and we watched the spectacular fireworks show above The White House.

This year, all I had were those great memories and we had a handful of friends over to our place in Bankers Hill to eat, drink, and be merry. We have an amazing view of the San Diego Bay fireworks from our little balcony - I ALSO LOVE FIREWORKS!!! Fireworks shows make me really happy whenever they happen, but this is one more reason to enjoy this holiday. I can also see them nightly all summer at 9:50pm (if I am still awake) over Mission Bay from both the balcony and our bedroom window.

In July, I also got to see some of my favorite people – my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (he's 5 years old now) visited from Florida - we got to see them 2 Julys in a row! I took a few days off work, which I haven't done in a very long time, and it was a much needed, fun, and relaxing staycation. I got to enjoy their hotel pool, played some backyard croquet at our house, and we had Caleb and my mom (Granny T) over for a slumber party complete with indoor s'mores. I did have to sleep on the air mattress because Caleb wanted to sleep with Uncle Andy “Dod” in our bed, but it was totally worth it. In between I also had some much needed alone time – a few time chunks on the balcony reading in the sun (shocker, I know) and a long walk in Balboa Park.

Andy & I had a huge milestone on July 28th – the 20 year anniversary of our first date, which means I have known and loved him over half of my life! I feel very lucky to have this bond and partner in life. People ask me all the time how we do it – hard work, communication, and love. Maybe even more important than love, we genuinely like each other. There is no magic potion, and the longer you are with someone and the older you get, the more hurdles and challenges you will face in life. Just remember to support one another and be conscious of the other person's feelings. This isn't easy and I need frequent reminders myself. Laughing a lot also helps.

I am going to keep on working on myself and on the meaningful two-way relationships in my life, and August is already off to a strong start. The next holiday is Labor Day – I don't think I have anything against that one, except maybe that it symbolizes the end of summer!

How I Got My Groove Back

I haven’t blogged in quite a while, so I just wanted to give everyone an update on my well-being and share some tactics I've used in dealing with life.

In March, we were dealt with some pretty bad news. It was a devastating blow to what we thought our future would be, and I was so lost on what to do next. Sometimes I still am, but I have made some pretty major steps to pull myself out of the stage of situational depression and self-pity. I know some of these things are going to sound easier said than done, but these are the life changes that helped me get my groove back after a forced life change of “involuntary childlessness.”

Start Working Out
I promise you, I don’t give a shit what my jeans size is. However, 3+ years of pregnancies, losing pregnancies, four surgeries, and many months of major fertility drugs REALLY messes with your body. It is about feeling strong again – a feeling I have not experienced in quite a while. I have been going to The Dailey Method for a few months now, and I am STRONGER physically and mentally than I have been in a very very long time. Find something that works for you, in style, proximity, and that fits with your schedule. The environment at The Dailey Method is positive, non-judgmental, and motivating. I am also lucky to have a studio only 1 block from… my new office! 

Get a New Job
I understand this is one of those “easier said than done” actions. I had been at Red Door Interactive for the past 7 ½ years – since we moved to San Diego in early 2007. I also got to work with my husband for the past 2 of them, which is a time I will always treasure and feel very lucky to have been able to do. My co-workers were like family (and still are), but with that came constant mental reminders of the past few years. It’s hard to explain, but I had so many deep personal moments and days and breakdowns in that office and I just couldn’t let it go. It was an amazing place to work, and so understanding and flexible through time off and what felt like a million doctor appointments, but since March I just felt lost. So, when I was approached through LinkedIn with an opportunity at a growing San Diego company, I thought it was good timing to explore it and make a big change in my life. The environment, location, and culture of The Control Group seemed like a good match so I took it. It was not an easy decision; I was comfortable at RDI (probably too much so), but I have no regrets and I have been at TCG almost 2 months now. I walk to & from work (over a mile & half per day!) through adorable Little Italy, which also helps me clear my head and enjoy my neighborhood. I work out at the aforementioned The Dailey Method on my lunch breaks, and participate in frequent Nerf Gun battles. I created a Pinterest Board for “Bring to Work Lunches” – so far I’ve been sporadically but increasingly successful on that front. The BEST mental benefit of my new job is that it is a DOG-FRIENDLY OFFICE. Seriously…

Surround Yourself with Animals

Yes, I now get to be around dogs all day, which makes my day. There are about 2-5 dogs in the office on a daily basis; this is truly amazing, literally (and I don’t use that word incorrectly) a dream come true. I have my French Bulldog obsession gratified by sitting next to dad of this snorting bundle of

cuteness, Ryder. I am pretty much besties with Peepers, aka Boston Terrier Problems / @bostonterrierproblems. Of course my sweet Puzzle is still my #1 girl and beyond cute. She has her own instagram profile now - @puzzle_oldladycat.

I also renewed my San Diego Zoo annual pass. Mr. Wu helped me through a lot of rough times, and now it’s fun to visit Aisha & the fam along with every other animal there!


Be Social Again

Especially now that I don’t see my best friends every day at the Red Door office, it’s more important than ever to have social outings. Going through so much and having the support from my girls that I have had, it makes me want to be a better friend. It is so essential to nurture friendships if they are two-way and I need to be one of those ways. It’s also still okay to decline events that may be uncomfortable, but I have enjoyed Sunday Funday Football parties, book club/movie & local play nights with the girls, a few weddings, and even a Roller Derby night!

Start/Keep up with Therapy Appointments
I can’t talk about or encourage this enough. I have been going to the same therapist for almost 7 years now – since before I even started thinking about wanting children so it did not initiate with that need. My regular appointments have helped me through so many of adulthood’s challenges, relationships, reactions, feelings, confusion, and has validated my thoughts and keeps me balanced. I am sure I could google thousands of articles on why it’s great to go to therapy, but I just saw this one today so I am including it: Lessons I’ve learned from going to therapy

Keep it Real
I did not write this post to announce to the world that “Everything is GREAT! Everything is FINE!” - I am still struggling to accept that I (most likely) will never have a child to complete the Bower Power team, and it has changed me forever. I still feel very alone in this situation since I know very few people who truly understand it. But, I need to make an effort and make choices to enjoy my days, laugh with my amazing husband, and keep moving forward.

In limbo... waiting for One Day

There will be a lot of "I" in this post as opposed to "we." Andy & I have been communicating but also just getting back to a routine and a re-start on our life. We need a little mental break from Infertility and making any big decisions, but it's impossible not to keep it on a conscious level, so this post is my current point of view.

I am not completely depressed, but not really happy either. I feel in limbo, with not enough energy or money to figure out what to do next. I have thought a lot lately about the finality of this last phase because I had so much more hope in doing IVF. I really thought it would work since I thought my main issue was my fallopian tubes, causing ectopic pregnancies. "At least you can get pregnant..." (5 times) was a phrase I heard so often from others and told myself to make me feel better. Little did I know that wasn't even the main issue and I have poor quality eggs with little to no hope of resulting in a viable pregnancy at all.

I am just having a hard time accepting it, accepting that my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. "I can't have kids" is a phrase I have heard, and I think there are so many layers since I can still "have kids" and I hope to one day even if it is not the traditional route, but that's really the short story for me. At this point in my life, in a physically literal sense, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS. It's pretty devastating.

I know everyone has things going on in their lives - that IS life. I would like to think this experience has made me more sensitive to that in having relationships with others, and Infertility is a major part of mine. It's not going to kill me, but it is a disease and I struggle with it every single day, both mentally and physically. I am far from conventional so I don't believe that I have this need because society has made women think they need to have children, and I fully support people who don't have them. Trust me, some days I wish with all of my heart that I didn't want a child to complete our little family because it would make things so much easier. However, I do believe that Andy and I are meant to be someone's parents, so we're going to make it happen somehow, some day.

I am going to Fertility Planit this Friday & Saturday in Los Angeles. I do a lot of my own research, but I feel like attending this event will make me feel like I am doing SOMETHING and it will feel good just to be around people who can relate to my situation. We're all fighting for what we want in life, and I hope I can bring empathy, information and inspiration to others so I am going to learn and do all I can to make that happen. I will do a couple in conference blog posts, but you can also follow me on twitter at @JustBeecuzzzz and/or #FPLA14

Here are things that are making me happy right now:

• Pink Grapefruit Perrier (always, preferably Slim Cans)
• Cauliflower Tacos at The Blind Burro
• San Diego Padres
• Little Italy Mercato Farmer's Market
• Lemonheads (thank you Stacey)
• Pinterest

I still couldn't do it without you all. xo, P