Holidays, Birthdays, Milestones. Oh, and I LOVE FIREWORKS.

I am about 6 months out from my 40th birthday. I do love birthdays and tend to get stuck (sometimes good, sometimes bad) on dates, holidays, and milestones. I have a hard time with a lot of holidays because I feel that they are so kid focused, and not having kids has been a point of depression for me in the past few years. I even feel like I had a somewhat silly adult holiday ruined for me since we got pretty life-changing bad news last year on St. Patrick's Day 2014.

Surprisingly, I have made a lot of life changes in my 39th year – at this point sometimes you think you are just set in your ways and it takes a lot of energy to change your routine, but I have made a huge effort in the last few months to focus on myself. There have been a few downs, but I must say that July was an awesome month.

In really low times, Andy & I have skipped a few big holidays altogether. But, I realized that I LOVE THE 4th of JULY!!! This is not one of those times to get all political and activist – I know we have a lot of issues and things going on, but I really do feel lucky to be an American. Last year we were able to go to Washington DC for the 4th of July 2014, and it was an amazing vacation.

Besides enjoying the sights and some touristy things, I reconnected with family I hadn't seen in decades and attended a wedding for my cousin and his partner. We got to spend time with my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew and we watched the spectacular fireworks show above The White House.

This year, all I had were those great memories and we had a handful of friends over to our place in Bankers Hill to eat, drink, and be merry. We have an amazing view of the San Diego Bay fireworks from our little balcony - I ALSO LOVE FIREWORKS!!! Fireworks shows make me really happy whenever they happen, but this is one more reason to enjoy this holiday. I can also see them nightly all summer at 9:50pm (if I am still awake) over Mission Bay from both the balcony and our bedroom window.

In July, I also got to see some of my favorite people – my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (he's 5 years old now) visited from Florida - we got to see them 2 Julys in a row! I took a few days off work, which I haven't done in a very long time, and it was a much needed, fun, and relaxing staycation. I got to enjoy their hotel pool, played some backyard croquet at our house, and we had Caleb and my mom (Granny T) over for a slumber party complete with indoor s'mores. I did have to sleep on the air mattress because Caleb wanted to sleep with Uncle Andy “Dod” in our bed, but it was totally worth it. In between I also had some much needed alone time – a few time chunks on the balcony reading in the sun (shocker, I know) and a long walk in Balboa Park.

Andy & I had a huge milestone on July 28th – the 20 year anniversary of our first date, which means I have known and loved him over half of my life! I feel very lucky to have this bond and partner in life. People ask me all the time how we do it – hard work, communication, and love. Maybe even more important than love, we genuinely like each other. There is no magic potion, and the longer you are with someone and the older you get, the more hurdles and challenges you will face in life. Just remember to support one another and be conscious of the other person's feelings. This isn't easy and I need frequent reminders myself. Laughing a lot also helps.

I am going to keep on working on myself and on the meaningful two-way relationships in my life, and August is already off to a strong start. The next holiday is Labor Day – I don't think I have anything against that one, except maybe that it symbolizes the end of summer!

An open letter to my Blog & Twitter community

Hello all,

I haven't been active on this blog or Twitter (the @justbeecuzzzz account) in quite a while. I started JustBeecuzzzz to share my IVF journey after 3 years of traumatic pregnancy losses and infertility struggles. With 2 rounds of IVF that resulted in no viable embryos, we were stuck with no place to go. Now it's been over a year since that day we sat in the RE's office. We've moved forward with our lives, but not without depression, loneliness, and other life changes. I am working on myself right now and I don't have any news or activity in the realm of fertility treatments, decisions, or plans to have children so I need to pull away from the conversation for a while and focus on other aspects of my life. Those aspects still have a secondary goal of creating the possibility of a family in our future, but it can't be in the forefront. I want to use my blog to express those other activities and interests, whatever they may be.

Infertility is a part of my life and always will be so I am not saying that it won't ever come up if I am talking about my feelings or plans, but I won't be blogging or tweeting about it specifically. I don't plan on unfollowing anyone, and I am very happy for everyone that has made their dreams come true since I first started on this journey. I hope you all still find my child-free (for now) life interesting enough to follow and engage! Please don't feel like you can't ask me any questions about it if you want - I am still very open to discussing it. Like I said, it's a part of me - I am just trying to let the other parts of me shine for a while.

I will be using @justbeecuzzzz for all things personal and not just the infertility conversation anymore. (side note I am going to use my @pilarbower twitter more for work-related conversations, which I mostly do already)



Look out for a new post soon! xo, P