Holidays, Birthdays, Milestones. Oh, and I LOVE FIREWORKS.

I am about 6 months out from my 40th birthday. I do love birthdays and tend to get stuck (sometimes good, sometimes bad) on dates, holidays, and milestones. I have a hard time with a lot of holidays because I feel that they are so kid focused, and not having kids has been a point of depression for me in the past few years. I even feel like I had a somewhat silly adult holiday ruined for me since we got pretty life-changing bad news last year on St. Patrick's Day 2014.

Surprisingly, I have made a lot of life changes in my 39th year – at this point sometimes you think you are just set in your ways and it takes a lot of energy to change your routine, but I have made a huge effort in the last few months to focus on myself. There have been a few downs, but I must say that July was an awesome month.

In really low times, Andy & I have skipped a few big holidays altogether. But, I realized that I LOVE THE 4th of JULY!!! This is not one of those times to get all political and activist – I know we have a lot of issues and things going on, but I really do feel lucky to be an American. Last year we were able to go to Washington DC for the 4th of July 2014, and it was an amazing vacation.

Besides enjoying the sights and some touristy things, I reconnected with family I hadn't seen in decades and attended a wedding for my cousin and his partner. We got to spend time with my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew and we watched the spectacular fireworks show above The White House.

This year, all I had were those great memories and we had a handful of friends over to our place in Bankers Hill to eat, drink, and be merry. We have an amazing view of the San Diego Bay fireworks from our little balcony - I ALSO LOVE FIREWORKS!!! Fireworks shows make me really happy whenever they happen, but this is one more reason to enjoy this holiday. I can also see them nightly all summer at 9:50pm (if I am still awake) over Mission Bay from both the balcony and our bedroom window.

In July, I also got to see some of my favorite people – my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (he's 5 years old now) visited from Florida - we got to see them 2 Julys in a row! I took a few days off work, which I haven't done in a very long time, and it was a much needed, fun, and relaxing staycation. I got to enjoy their hotel pool, played some backyard croquet at our house, and we had Caleb and my mom (Granny T) over for a slumber party complete with indoor s'mores. I did have to sleep on the air mattress because Caleb wanted to sleep with Uncle Andy “Dod” in our bed, but it was totally worth it. In between I also had some much needed alone time – a few time chunks on the balcony reading in the sun (shocker, I know) and a long walk in Balboa Park.

Andy & I had a huge milestone on July 28th – the 20 year anniversary of our first date, which means I have known and loved him over half of my life! I feel very lucky to have this bond and partner in life. People ask me all the time how we do it – hard work, communication, and love. Maybe even more important than love, we genuinely like each other. There is no magic potion, and the longer you are with someone and the older you get, the more hurdles and challenges you will face in life. Just remember to support one another and be conscious of the other person's feelings. This isn't easy and I need frequent reminders myself. Laughing a lot also helps.

I am going to keep on working on myself and on the meaningful two-way relationships in my life, and August is already off to a strong start. The next holiday is Labor Day – I don't think I have anything against that one, except maybe that it symbolizes the end of summer!

Much needed Sister Time, and Scared

I got some much needed Sister Time in the past week! My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (almost 4 years old) were visiting from Florida. One highlight of my week was that we got to have a “slumber party” with Caleb staying over at our house for the night while my sister and her husband were at their hotel. I had so much fun making his dinner, getting him to put on his pjs, watching some cartoons, etc. He LOVES his “Dod” (Uncle Andy) so much, and my heart just melted seeing them snuggle on the couch together. I had the day off of work after the slumber party too, so I got to enjoy all the morning kid events (starting at 5am by the way! curses to “Florida time”). The funny thing is that my sister showed up at 10:30am, and I was so disheveled, still in my pajamas, and hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet. However, I did have Caleb fed, bathed, dressed and ready for the day. Victory!  My sister looked gorgeous, and I complimented her makeup. She said “thank you, and that’s because I had time to myself to get ready this morning!” But YES, I am ready to do this every day.

On Thursday night, I was very emotional as I anticipated our in-service appointment the next day (Friday 1/10). I am just really scared. Scared it’s not going to work this time, and scared that we won’t be able to even go on after that. I fear we will have no more energy for another couple years of putting everything else in life on the backburner, and no more strength for false hope resulting in disappointment, and we will really have no more money to invest in this gamble. I know I have to get through this next round, but it’s almost like I want to delay it because I just don’t want it to be over. There are so many hurdles left: producing eggs, that agonizing 5 days in hopes they (or it) turn into a blastocyst, chromosomal testing to see if they are even viable, the risk of losing an embryo in the thaw after freezing it, if we get to a transfer the embryo not implanting, if it does then hoping I don’t miscarry again, and ON AND ON AND ON. I would love to tell myself not to think like that, but I can’t help it. It seems so impossible and daunting, and I have to go through this thought process to get myself mentally prepared (and try to stay mentally stable). 

Friday I was pretty nervous and nauseous, but it was comforting going to the clinic again. I do love the staff, and I know they are pulling for us. It’s a longer protocol (I got my wish on the delay) and a different mix of medications. I will outline it more specifically on my IVF Round 2 page in the next couple of days for those who want to read it more detail, but basically I am feeling like A Rod and I am going to be on a shitload of medications for the next 2 months. One downfall is that the first round of meds was $2500, and this one is over $5K – out of pocket, not covered by insurance. That’s just the medications by the way, not the actual cost of the fertility treatments, which will run us another $35Kish by the time this is done. This adds to the nausea. Tonight I spent a few hours researching infertility grants and tax deductions. I am just going to try to take it in stride this week and try not to obsess too much about it. Wish me luck…