Monday, December 30, 2013

Being Brave

Our office was closed for the week of Christmas, so I had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. I am no longer facing the possibility that I won’t have biological children, but the probability. I am going to continue to be brave, but I am not always strong. To me, being brave is knowing that I will get through this no matter what, and I will continue to have hope as we go through IVF Round 2. 

Dr. Shelly is changing my medication protocol based on what she learned in the first round and she does believe it’s worth it to try again. However, if this round has the same results as Round 1 then we will not continue with in vitro. Scientifically, I have multiple things working against me inside my body and with financial considerations this will be our last try with fertility treatments.

I know that people don’t often know what to say, and a common safeguard is “would you ever adopt?” The answer is yes, I would. And we may still, but we wanted to try everything we could. It breaks my heart that I may not experience seeing Andy’s beautiful eyelashes on my baby, or be able to kiss the little “Bower pinkie toe.” Hearing others at family parties making similar observations about the babies looking and acting like relatives, I think about not ever having that and it makes me really sad. I am also exhausted from what we have already been through, which is many disappointments and I know those don’t stop when you enter the phase of adopting. Not to mention the research, the waiting, additional financial commitments, and more that I don’t even know or can expect. So, right now I am not necessarily strong but I am brave and we will get through whatever comes next. And next. And next.