My experience at Fertility Planit LA

Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and this year's theme is "Resolve to know more" so I want to kick it off with a summary of my experience at the Fertility Planit conference.

Earlier this month April 4 & 5th, I attended the Fertility Planit event in Los Angeles. I have been in limbo lately so it was good timing. I went solo - I just wanted to be by myself, but not alone since everyone there was experiencing or supporting people creating their own families even if battling infertility or other challenges where the conventional way has eluded them.

There were many sessions over the 2 days (See Full Schedule), and here are a few tidbits from my personal experience and what is relevant to my situation, but I was really just trying to listen and take it all in...

Videos of Live-streamed Sessions Now Available: You can currently watch many of the live-streamed sessions from Saturday, April 5th, in the Venice room, here:  http://bit.ly/FPLA14onFORA. More sessions will be posted by April 23 - I encourage you to sign up for email updates to receive access to more content.

Friday 4/5:
I had a bit of a late start - I was driving from San Diego to Los Angeles, so I wanted to wait until after 9am to leave to miss a little traffic. I ended up leaving at 10:45... I was just enjoying my day off work, packing for the weekend, and straightening the house a bit so Andy could enjoy his time off (from me). Then, I was off on my solo road trip! The traffic wasn't so bad, and I had the music on, and many thoughts running through my head about life. I stopped on the way for gas and something to eat, and got to the conference around 2:30 so I attended two of the afternoon sessions.

Session: Elisabeth Rohm & Baby Steps: Infertility and the Journey to Parenthood

To start, moderator Monica Corcoran Harel used my favorite word to describe trying to have a child and Infertility: DAUNTING. She was interviewing actress Elisabeth Rohm (American Hustle), who said, "Being diagnosed with Infertility made me feel as if I was the most unlucky woman in the world." I couldn't agree more.  

She mentioned that we need to create a greater consciousness and awareness - years ago people didn't talk about self breast exams to prevent breast cancer and now that is thankfully mainstream. Infertility awareness, and questions that young women can ask their doctors to get information early on is important to help them make decisions about their future family building.

I don't like to sound scary or lecturing when talking to younger friends about how time is running out, but we can arm them with information - information that I didn't have or chose to ignore. At the end of the session, Elisabeth was joined by her own doctor, Dr. Vicken Sahakian from Pacific Fertility Center Los Angeles. As Dr. S put it, no matter how beautiful and healthy you are, how much yoga you do, how much botox you do, your ovaries don't care - they are on the same timeline they have been on since the beginning of time and since you were born.

Elisabeth Rohm has a new book coming out April 30th, Baby Steps: Having the Child I Always Wanted (Just Not as I Expected).










Session: A Practical Guide to Egg Donation

This one was compelling for me since it was about using an egg donor, which is a likely next step for us. It is not talked about as much as sperm donors in mainstream, and more expensive, but a similar situation. My eggs are not of good quality and we have little to no chance of getting pregnant with my eggs, but I am still a good candidate to carry a baby and would still love to have the experience of a successful pregnancy.

Dr. Sahakian walked through the scientific facts of female reproduction, requirements to be a good candidate and keys to success for egg donation (which I met all of them). Model and actress Tomiko Frasier Hines talked about her experience going through Infertility, treatments, and having her twin boys via anonymous egg donor IVF. She was gorgeous, sweet, and gave a (secret!) teaser on a children's book she is creating about it.

After Day 1, I went to dinner with my dear friend and stayed the night at her house. I had an amazing conversation with her both that night and a fun breakfast the next morning before heading back to UCLA. In some ways this was even more therapeutic than the conference! She and my husband, Andy have been friends for 35 years - since they were 5 years old and she and I for almost 19 years now! More reinforcement that family is not about DNA. ;)

Saturday 4/6:

Session: Practical Solutions for Challenging Fertility Situations
I will be on the lookout for Paige Andree Johnston's documentary on her journey, which after 9 years resulted in a son by using an egg donor. This one was very emotional for me, as I could directly relate to so many things that Paige has gone through, and she validated a lot of my current feelings as I accept my situation and try to embrace the next phase.

Session: Understanding Open Adoption:
I attended a session about Open adoption that was sponsored and moderated by Independent Adoption Center, which is also a great information resource. "In open adoption birth and adoptive parents meet one another, share full identifying information, and have direct access to ongoing contact over the years."

Guidelines are set with an open adoption agreement and the terms of the relationship are negotiated between birth mom & parents. The panel was so courageous - a young woman who placed her baby for adoption about a year ago, an adult adoptee, and Bill Horn & Scout Masterson - adoptive parents also known as The Guncles from Tori & Dean. It was inspiring to hear all of their stories. Tip: The Guncles also have an adoption mentoring service called Hold My Hand to help guide others through the process.

Session: From Infertility to Adoption: the Journey to Becoming Parents
To close it out, I went to see Cindy Chupack and her husband Ian Wallach, and moderator Tom Teicholz - all three adoptive parents through Vista Del Mar adoption program. They were able to make a serious and most of the time depressing subject lighthearted and endearing.

I am already half way through Cindy's new book, a comic memoir about marriage (including the journey to parenthood) The Longest Date: Life as a Wife. Cindy is an Emmy-winning TV writer/producer whose credits include Modern Family, Sex and the City, and Everybody Loves Raymond. I hope her book becomes a TV show - we need an honest one about Infertility!




I collected so much information at the exhibitor booths, and  also visited the Pamper Lounge where I got a much needed mini-manicure with Ella + Mila nail polish. It's a new line of mommy & me polish (vegan and 5-free) and they have such cute colors.

I look forward to attending next year, and who knows where my journey will take me between now and then but it helps to have the support and the increasing awareness. Battling Infertility is very overwhelming and often lonely, so having so many resources of information along with shared feelings and experiences is so valuable. Keep up the good work, Fertility Planit!

In limbo... waiting for One Day

There will be a lot of "I" in this post as opposed to "we." Andy & I have been communicating but also just getting back to a routine and a re-start on our life. We need a little mental break from Infertility and making any big decisions, but it's impossible not to keep it on a conscious level, so this post is my current point of view.

I am not completely depressed, but not really happy either. I feel in limbo, with not enough energy or money to figure out what to do next. I have thought a lot lately about the finality of this last phase because I had so much more hope in doing IVF. I really thought it would work since I thought my main issue was my fallopian tubes, causing ectopic pregnancies. "At least you can get pregnant..." (5 times) was a phrase I heard so often from others and told myself to make me feel better. Little did I know that wasn't even the main issue and I have poor quality eggs with little to no hope of resulting in a viable pregnancy at all.

I am just having a hard time accepting it, accepting that my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. "I can't have kids" is a phrase I have heard, and I think there are so many layers since I can still "have kids" and I hope to one day even if it is not the traditional route, but that's really the short story for me. At this point in my life, in a physically literal sense, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS. It's pretty devastating.

I know everyone has things going on in their lives - that IS life. I would like to think this experience has made me more sensitive to that in having relationships with others, and Infertility is a major part of mine. It's not going to kill me, but it is a disease and I struggle with it every single day, both mentally and physically. I am far from conventional so I don't believe that I have this need because society has made women think they need to have children, and I fully support people who don't have them. Trust me, some days I wish with all of my heart that I didn't want a child to complete our little family because it would make things so much easier. However, I do believe that Andy and I are meant to be someone's parents, so we're going to make it happen somehow, some day.

I am going to Fertility Planit this Friday & Saturday in Los Angeles. I do a lot of my own research, but I feel like attending this event will make me feel like I am doing SOMETHING and it will feel good just to be around people who can relate to my situation. We're all fighting for what we want in life, and I hope I can bring empathy, information and inspiration to others so I am going to learn and do all I can to make that happen. I will do a couple in conference blog posts, but you can also follow me on twitter at @JustBeecuzzzz and/or #FPLA14

Here are things that are making me happy right now:

• Pink Grapefruit Perrier (always, preferably Slim Cans)
• Cauliflower Tacos at The Blind Burro
• San Diego Padres
• Little Italy Mercato Farmer's Market
• Lemonheads (thank you Stacey)
• Pinterest

I still couldn't do it without you all. xo, P

What a difference a week makes...

In the past week I have gone through a wide range of emotions. To name a few: grief, disappointment, rage, sadness, determination, relief, gratefulness, weakness, and on and on. I have wanted to vomit, scream, and just sleep so I don't have to think about anything. Tuesday & Wednesday last week were pretty much a blur of emotion and I did not go to work. I have always had a bad habit of biting my nails but they are disgusting right now. I think my body and brain are exhausted - not from 3 weeks but 3 years. I gave myself a few days to rest and mourn and then I let myself start thinking ahead. I let myself smile and laugh (remember, I live with Andy and that's what I love best).

My amazing friends did an epic ding dong ditch and left me this, which made me vow to be a better friend since everyone is always going through something in their life:

I made myself get up and go to work on Thursday, and even finished a PowerPoint deck and presented it to a prospective client. Then TGIF with my best friends at the office, and a weekend of balcony time.

It's so daunting to think about what to do next, but we will figure it out. All I know is that each day gets a little bit better, and each day I feel a little bit stronger.

Day 6 Report: Two embies made it

3/6: Your good vibes worked from yesterday's bad report - we have 2 embryos from this round that were able to be biopsied (1 bounced back from yesterday and 1 still not looking GREAT but good enough to biopsy) so we will be able to send a total of 3 for PGS testing. Those results won't be ready until 3/17 - another torturous waiting game! xoxo all

Day 5 Report: No more good news.

The momentum has stopped. The phone call today did not keep up the best news possible trend. Not quite the worst news possible, but really bad news. We are extremely disappointed and sad, but I can't say we are shocked as we did know this might happen. I know you all are pulling for us and have kept up and seen the "ups." It's easy to keep the chances of the "downs" at bay, unless you are used to it like us. It sounds terrible, but I really have come to hate the feeling of hope and yet I still have it.

Here is where we stand:
The embryologist said there are 3 left, but 1 is developing slowly and 2 are developing abnormally. I am still holding out for the slow one since that happens, and even last round our 1 little blast needed until Day 6 and we still have that one on ice. And I suppose there is some chance of the other 2 behaving overnight or else she would have just dismissed them today, but it doesn't sound good.
  
Here is what happens next:

Tomorrow we will receive another phone call from our embryologist to let us know if any did in fact make it. At that point, if any from this round made it they will biopsy the embryo (take one or a couple cells) and send them for Preimplantation Genetic Testing along with the biopsy that was taken from our blastocyst embryo that was frozen in November. If none from this round make it, they will just send our 1. We will need to wait until March 17th for the results of that test to see if it or they are chromosomally viable. If yes, we will do the transfer in mid to late April and hope that it implants.

If not, that's the end of our options to have a biological child (or at least I won't - we will explore future options at that point, which could possibly include using donor eggs or adoption but we just aren't sure yet and aren't in a position to make any decisions right now).

Day 3 Report: 4 Embryos growing!

The Monday Call - brought to you by Andy

Finally… some good news!!  With the update on Saturday morning that ALL FOUR eggs were fertilized and matured, it was nice to be happy for once in this process.  And not an “I think we can be happy” feeling, but a true, hopeful feeling of happiness!!  In this long, exhaustive journey, I honestly can’t think of the last time we felt this way.  It had to be years (yes, years) ago.  And of course, we are guarded.  There is so much more to go through, and the odds are still against us.  But, something about hugging each other in happiness really felt good.

So with Pilar traveling for work this morning, the Monday morning phone call was coming to me.  Of course, that was all I could think about when I woke up.  I knew the call would be early, probably around 8am, so I was ready, looking for any signs.  My number at breakfast was 34, so I was thinking, from 4 to 3.  (That would be okay, yeah that would be good.)

The phone rang at 8:07a and I knew it was the clinic.  I picked up the call and said “hello.”  All she said was “Hi this is Kate from Dr. Shelly’s office.”  In those short seconds of time, I tried to read everything into what she just said.  “Does she sound happy?  Is she being serious?  Why is she pausing?  What does she mean by “Hi it’s Kate?”  (My brain can really get going sometimes.)  She said “I just wanted to tell you how many embryos there are.  I tried to call your wife and her phone wouldn’t pick up…. (ANXIETY! I couldn’t even understand.  I had one of those moments where I couldn’t hear and her words just sounded muffled.  All I was listening for was a number.)

“THERE ARE STILL FOUR AND THEY ARE ALL DOING GREAT!”  That’s what she said.  “They look really good and all four are grade A’s.”  (What?  I am I hearing this right? Oh gosh, I can’t wait to tell Pilar.)  I was so relieved and felt like throwing up at the same time.  The weight of these calls cannot be put into words.  Anything they tell you can change your life in a split second.  It’s scary, very scary.  And we’ve been there many times.   But for today, we are going to stay positive and enjoy this moment for now.  All of your support, prayers and good wishes have been tremendous source of strength for us… and we could never tell you enough or put into words what that really means to us.  We are so glad that you could share this little moment of joy with us.

So for now, we wait until Wednesday’s call and hope these little guys keep multiplying!!!

Day 1 Report: 4 Fertilized Eggs!

Friday & Saturday recap:

2/27: It was so nice, but kind of weird to have NO SHOTS on Thursday night. I laid out my outfit and tried to get a good sleep.

2/28: Yesterday was Egg Retrieval Day. It was the worst weather we have had in San Diego in a long time, and I had a fleeting thought that a tornado (we really did have a "watch") would land on the lab. Other than that, Andy & I were feeling pretty positive about things and we had our fight back after a tough week.

The nurses and embryologist are SO nice and they were the same ones from Round 1, so we just had some relaxed conversations with them as we did the pre-op paperwork and prep. I had a heated blanket and I was so comfortable.

Once wheeled into the operating room, I was only conscious for about five minutes before going under then woke up in the recovery room with Andy there. Dr. Shelly poked her head and and let us know we got 4 eggs, and she added a fist pump. I was a little disappointed - I was hoping for 6, but I also knew that was a slim chance. I was in minor pain, and just had some saltines and gatorade when I got home and went right back to sleep. I slept off and on all afternoon/night and we were able to just relax and not think about things.

3/1: Saturday morning, we got the call early at 8:30am. The embryologist sounded happy right when I answered the phone. I put it on speaker for Andy and she told us that ALL 4 were mature and ALL 4 FERTILIZED! This was literally the best possible news we could have received at this point in the process. We do still need to make it through Day 5 and PGS testing, but we have never once received a "best possible news" phone call in the past 3 years. Andy mentioned that he couldn't remember the last time we hugged each other because we were happy, as opposed to consoling each other about something. I know it sounds cliche, but Andy & danced around to Pharrell's "Happy" for the next half hour, then we went out to breakfast with smiles on our faces. For the first time in a month I didn't get over-easy/poached eggs and avocados (I think that worked though!). We are going to enjoy the rest of our weekend and stay positive waiting for Monday's call!

Trigger Shot, the Egg Retrieval, and the Coming Weeks

Andy & I are having a rough week mentally and emotionally as this part of the journey is coming to end. I am outlining the hurdles that still need to be jumped in this post and the odds are working against us. I hope that we will be one of those “against all odds” success stories, but I am also trying to mentally prepare myself for the next couple of weeks. We knew these risks going into it and it has been a huge challenge physically, mentally, and financially but all dreams and risks have sacrifices to be made. If we wanted to be a pop star duo, we would be making those same types of sacrifices, but WE WANT TO BE PARENTS.

We want to thank everyone for their continuing support, especially our team of cheerleaders at our place of work, which we are lucky enough to share and have the most amazing friends and a true family there. To everyone who has called, sent texts, and Facebook messages – every one of them has kept us going just a little bit more each time. A shout out to my #IF #IVF community on Twitter, where I am @JustBeeCuzzzz among an amazing group of ladies (and men) that truly understand. Whatever happens, we know we are loved and we will still need you… well, forever.

SO, here we go…

2/26: Last night at 10:30pm I took my last shot in this round of IVF. It’s called a Trigger Shot, and the Egg Retrieval surgery is scheduled for approximately 36 hours after. 

2/27: This morning I will have a blood scan just to check my levels. NO MORE SHOTS!

2/28: Andy & I will be reporting to our fertility clinic’s (FSMG) surgery center - San Diego Center for Reproductive Surgery (SDCRS) at 8:30am for a 9:30am surgery. The only thing I need to bring is socks, and I am going to wear the pink cat & heart socks my mom just sent me for Valentine’s Day a couple weeks ago for good luck. Well, I also need to bring Andy for his essential contribution, a photo ID and $460 cash/check for the anesthesiologist.

Then 5-6 of the most stressful days of our life (so far at least) begin. We have already been through these days once, which netted a single blastocyst (currently frozen, waiting for some embryo siblings to join it). At each of these stages, a % will drop off and not move to the next phase. I am not being pessimistic – this is just a fact and part of the process, but heartbreaking.

• Day 0 - Friday 2/28, a while after the Egg Retrieval: I can expect a call at the end of Day 0 to let us know how many of the retrieved eggs were mature enough to move to the ICSI stage. ICSI: Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (a single sperm is injected directly into the egg).

• Day 1 - Saturday 3/1: A call to tell us how many fertilized.
• Day 2 – Sunday 3/2: Cell division happening, but no update call. If cells aren’t dividing, the embryo is non-viable.
• Day 3 – Monday 3/3: a call to tell us the progress on cell division (hoping for 8 cells per embryo) and how many we have left.
• Day 4 – Tuesday 3/4: Cell division happening, but no update call.
• Day 5 – Wednesday 3/5: Hoping for blastocyst(s)! Sometimes they need another day to develop to Day 6. At this point, an embryo biopsy will be performed (which we have on the blast from Round 1). The embryo(s) from Round 2 that made it to Day 5/6 will be cryopreserved (frozen) and the biopsy samples will be sent for Preimplantation Genetic Screening.

PGS:

“PGS testing is done as part of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle. The purpose of PGS is to raise your chance of becoming pregnant and lower the chance for miscarriage after embryo transfer.
PGS tests for the number of chromosomes in one or a few cells from each embryo of an IVF cycle. Embryos with the normal number of chromosomes (46) have a better chance of implanting and creating a healthy pregnancy. After PGS testing, these embryos can be selected for transfer to the mother’s uterus.”

We will be receiving those results around 3/13 or 3/14. At my age and egg quality, there is a high chance of chromosomal abnormalities so we opted for this phase to decrease the chances of (another) miscarriage. 

There is a chance that all embryos will come back as not viable, which is the worst case scenario, so we are hoping for at least one to be okay to transfer in another month or two.

I will try to keep everyone updated on the Day 0-5 or 6 because I think you all deserve it for following along, but it might be depending on the results and how I feel about them.

xo, P

I am going to have a Stimulating Valentine’s Day weekend!

And not in the fun way you might think…

As a recap, I have been on a contraceptive pill for a month & a half to control/suppress my cycle, and testosterone gel (blech) for 15 days, which is used in preparation for this next phase – Androgen hormones are used to improve response to stimulation medications. My last night of those two items was Monday night – YAY, and now I have been wearing an Androderm patch every day this week (more testosterone to prep for the stimulants), which will end on Friday – Happy Valentine’s Day to me!  I had my baseline ultrasound appointment yesterday to make sure everything has been working as planned and there is no "follicular activity" happening before we want it to. It went well, and it's really happening - I start my "Stims" this Saturday night 2/15.

The Stimulants are a combination of three injections I need to give myself every night for about 2 weeks. Two are hormones used to stimulate the ovaries to produce multiple eggs in a cycle, and one is a growth hormone used to improve response to the other two stimulants. On day 6ish, I start adding in a fourth morning shot to prevent early ovulation. For me, it is not stressful giving myself the actual injections – it's mixing them up correctly and in the right dosage. They aren't all wrapped up in a bow and ready to go; most need to be refrigerated, and I need to add supplied water and mix with powder, and make sure the right amount is in the syringe. I go in every other day for blood tests and then they will call me later in the afternoon to let me know if I need to adjust the dosage for that night. I will also be having frequent ultrasounds to track the progress of the follicles developing.

This is a different and more intense protocol than my first round in November, and we are really hoping it works – the bottom line is we need more eggs this time around, and the Egg Retrieval should be around the end of February/beginning of March. I will have frequent update posts until then… stay tuned!

Much needed Sister Time, and Scared

I got some much needed Sister Time in the past week! My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (almost 4 years old) were visiting from Florida. One highlight of my week was that we got to have a “slumber party” with Caleb staying over at our house for the night while my sister and her husband were at their hotel. I had so much fun making his dinner, getting him to put on his pjs, watching some cartoons, etc. He LOVES his “Dod” (Uncle Andy) so much, and my heart just melted seeing them snuggle on the couch together. I had the day off of work after the slumber party too, so I got to enjoy all the morning kid events (starting at 5am by the way! curses to “Florida time”). The funny thing is that my sister showed up at 10:30am, and I was so disheveled, still in my pajamas, and hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet. However, I did have Caleb fed, bathed, dressed and ready for the day. Victory!  My sister looked gorgeous, and I complimented her makeup. She said “thank you, and that’s because I had time to myself to get ready this morning!” But YES, I am ready to do this every day.

On Thursday night, I was very emotional as I anticipated our in-service appointment the next day (Friday 1/10). I am just really scared. Scared it’s not going to work this time, and scared that we won’t be able to even go on after that. I fear we will have no more energy for another couple years of putting everything else in life on the backburner, and no more strength for false hope resulting in disappointment, and we will really have no more money to invest in this gamble. I know I have to get through this next round, but it’s almost like I want to delay it because I just don’t want it to be over. There are so many hurdles left: producing eggs, that agonizing 5 days in hopes they (or it) turn into a blastocyst, chromosomal testing to see if they are even viable, the risk of losing an embryo in the thaw after freezing it, if we get to a transfer the embryo not implanting, if it does then hoping I don’t miscarry again, and ON AND ON AND ON. I would love to tell myself not to think like that, but I can’t help it. It seems so impossible and daunting, and I have to go through this thought process to get myself mentally prepared (and try to stay mentally stable). 

Friday I was pretty nervous and nauseous, but it was comforting going to the clinic again. I do love the staff, and I know they are pulling for us. It’s a longer protocol (I got my wish on the delay) and a different mix of medications. I will outline it more specifically on my IVF Round 2 page in the next couple of days for those who want to read it more detail, but basically I am feeling like A Rod and I am going to be on a shitload of medications for the next 2 months. One downfall is that the first round of meds was $2500, and this one is over $5K – out of pocket, not covered by insurance. That’s just the medications by the way, not the actual cost of the fertility treatments, which will run us another $35Kish by the time this is done. This adds to the nausea. Tonight I spent a few hours researching infertility grants and tax deductions. I am just going to try to take it in stride this week and try not to obsess too much about it. Wish me luck…

Happy New Year!

I spent the entire first day of 2014 on my couch, and for the majority of it watched the docu-series "Generation Cryo" on MTV. Fascinating and emotionally relatable, I tell you.

Even though I've done one round of IVF already, we have to go in for another initial "in-service" appointment next week to kick off Round 2. I do ask a lot of questions, but a lot of the time I am really just doing whatever they tell me to do. With the holidays, the last couple weeks have been atypical for businesses, so my doctor has been out of the office and all I know is that I had to start taking birth control pills on Monday night. Weird, right? I did not do this during Round 1 and the short explanation is "we're taking control of your cycle." It's all about controlling the timing, which is extremely important in fertility treatments.

Anyway, when I called today to make the appointment, the nurse asked me when I want to start the main medications (shots). Crickets... then "I'm not sure - how long am I supposed to take the birth control pills?" No less than 10 days. Then she mentioned that the lab was going to be closed for its annual cleaning so the last day I can start the shot phase is January 23rd, or wait until after February 16th. I have no idea what I want to do - I am more in the "you tell me" phase. I asked if she could just explain everything to me at the in-service appointment next week (which I scheduled for Friday Jan. 10th). This appointment is going to be another 1 1/2 - 2 hours even though we have already gone through it once. We have to sign new consent forms and they will go over our medication protocol in detail.

For a special little Throwback Thursday pic, here is me on my first Christmas in 1976:

Being Brave

Our office was closed for the week of Christmas, so I had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. I am no longer facing the possibility that I won’t have biological children, but the probability. I am going to continue to be brave, but I am not always strong. To me, being brave is knowing that I will get through this no matter what, and I will continue to have hope as we go through IVF Round 2. 

Dr. Shelly is changing my medication protocol based on what she learned in the first round and she does believe it’s worth it to try again. However, if this round has the same results as Round 1 then we will not continue with in vitro. Scientifically, I have multiple things working against me inside my body and with financial considerations this will be our last try with fertility treatments.

I know that people don’t often know what to say, and a common safeguard is “would you ever adopt?” The answer is yes, I would. And we may still, but we wanted to try everything we could. It breaks my heart that I may not experience seeing Andy’s beautiful eyelashes on my baby, or be able to kiss the little “Bower pinkie toe.” Hearing others at family parties making similar observations about the babies looking and acting like relatives, I think about not ever having that and it makes me really sad. I am also exhausted from what we have already been through, which is many disappointments and I know those don’t stop when you enter the phase of adopting. Not to mention the research, the waiting, additional financial commitments, and more that I don’t even know or can expect. So, right now I am not necessarily strong but I am brave and we will get through whatever comes next. And next. And next.