Much needed Sister Time, and Scared

I got some much needed Sister Time in the past week! My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew (almost 4 years old) were visiting from Florida. One highlight of my week was that we got to have a “slumber party” with Caleb staying over at our house for the night while my sister and her husband were at their hotel. I had so much fun making his dinner, getting him to put on his pjs, watching some cartoons, etc. He LOVES his “Dod” (Uncle Andy) so much, and my heart just melted seeing them snuggle on the couch together. I had the day off of work after the slumber party too, so I got to enjoy all the morning kid events (starting at 5am by the way! curses to “Florida time”). The funny thing is that my sister showed up at 10:30am, and I was so disheveled, still in my pajamas, and hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet. However, I did have Caleb fed, bathed, dressed and ready for the day. Victory!  My sister looked gorgeous, and I complimented her makeup. She said “thank you, and that’s because I had time to myself to get ready this morning!” But YES, I am ready to do this every day.

On Thursday night, I was very emotional as I anticipated our in-service appointment the next day (Friday 1/10). I am just really scared. Scared it’s not going to work this time, and scared that we won’t be able to even go on after that. I fear we will have no more energy for another couple years of putting everything else in life on the backburner, and no more strength for false hope resulting in disappointment, and we will really have no more money to invest in this gamble. I know I have to get through this next round, but it’s almost like I want to delay it because I just don’t want it to be over. There are so many hurdles left: producing eggs, that agonizing 5 days in hopes they (or it) turn into a blastocyst, chromosomal testing to see if they are even viable, the risk of losing an embryo in the thaw after freezing it, if we get to a transfer the embryo not implanting, if it does then hoping I don’t miscarry again, and ON AND ON AND ON. I would love to tell myself not to think like that, but I can’t help it. It seems so impossible and daunting, and I have to go through this thought process to get myself mentally prepared (and try to stay mentally stable). 

Friday I was pretty nervous and nauseous, but it was comforting going to the clinic again. I do love the staff, and I know they are pulling for us. It’s a longer protocol (I got my wish on the delay) and a different mix of medications. I will outline it more specifically on my IVF Round 2 page in the next couple of days for those who want to read it more detail, but basically I am feeling like A Rod and I am going to be on a shitload of medications for the next 2 months. One downfall is that the first round of meds was $2500, and this one is over $5K – out of pocket, not covered by insurance. That’s just the medications by the way, not the actual cost of the fertility treatments, which will run us another $35Kish by the time this is done. This adds to the nausea. Tonight I spent a few hours researching infertility grants and tax deductions. I am just going to try to take it in stride this week and try not to obsess too much about it. Wish me luck…

Happy New Year!

I spent the entire first day of 2014 on my couch, and for the majority of it watched the docu-series "Generation Cryo" on MTV. Fascinating and emotionally relatable, I tell you.

Even though I've done one round of IVF already, we have to go in for another initial "in-service" appointment next week to kick off Round 2. I do ask a lot of questions, but a lot of the time I am really just doing whatever they tell me to do. With the holidays, the last couple weeks have been atypical for businesses, so my doctor has been out of the office and all I know is that I had to start taking birth control pills on Monday night. Weird, right? I did not do this during Round 1 and the short explanation is "we're taking control of your cycle." It's all about controlling the timing, which is extremely important in fertility treatments.

Anyway, when I called today to make the appointment, the nurse asked me when I want to start the main medications (shots). Crickets... then "I'm not sure - how long am I supposed to take the birth control pills?" No less than 10 days. Then she mentioned that the lab was going to be closed for its annual cleaning so the last day I can start the shot phase is January 23rd, or wait until after February 16th. I have no idea what I want to do - I am more in the "you tell me" phase. I asked if she could just explain everything to me at the in-service appointment next week (which I scheduled for Friday Jan. 10th). This appointment is going to be another 1 1/2 - 2 hours even though we have already gone through it once. We have to sign new consent forms and they will go over our medication protocol in detail.

For a special little Throwback Thursday pic, here is me on my first Christmas in 1976:

Being Brave

Our office was closed for the week of Christmas, so I had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. I am no longer facing the possibility that I won’t have biological children, but the probability. I am going to continue to be brave, but I am not always strong. To me, being brave is knowing that I will get through this no matter what, and I will continue to have hope as we go through IVF Round 2. 

Dr. Shelly is changing my medication protocol based on what she learned in the first round and she does believe it’s worth it to try again. However, if this round has the same results as Round 1 then we will not continue with in vitro. Scientifically, I have multiple things working against me inside my body and with financial considerations this will be our last try with fertility treatments.

I know that people don’t often know what to say, and a common safeguard is “would you ever adopt?” The answer is yes, I would. And we may still, but we wanted to try everything we could. It breaks my heart that I may not experience seeing Andy’s beautiful eyelashes on my baby, or be able to kiss the little “Bower pinkie toe.” Hearing others at family parties making similar observations about the babies looking and acting like relatives, I think about not ever having that and it makes me really sad. I am also exhausted from what we have already been through, which is many disappointments and I know those don’t stop when you enter the phase of adopting. Not to mention the research, the waiting, additional financial commitments, and more that I don’t even know or can expect. So, right now I am not necessarily strong but I am brave and we will get through whatever comes next. And next. And next.